Director:: Don’t worry Mr. President. This is a major network broadcast and everyone here voted for you. We did have a couple of writers who donated to the Ron Paul in 2012 campaign so we had to fire them.
Obama:: The press said this will be the most important presidential address in sixty years. And today is October 21st, 2011, the day Harold Camping, the radio preacher, said the world was coming to an end.
Director:: Don’t worry about Harold Camping predicting the world ends today. We did a web search and nobody is talking about it. They are too busy worrying about you closing down the markets.
Obama:: That’s good. Did you get the back up teleprompter you promised me?
Director:: Yes. If teleprompter A goes down, we have B ready to go. If A does go down, we will flash a technical difficulties blurb on the screen and you can resume talking without apologizing.
Obama:: I’m ready. Let’s do it.
Director:: Okay folks. Let’s go. We are live in ten seconds. Ready. Places. Three, Two, One.
Obama:: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I want to talk to you tonight about the events of the past three days which forced me to close all stock, bond and commodity markets in conjunction with our allies overseas who have done the same for their financial centers. This started last week when investors refused to buy our Treasury bonds. We could not have known that people would refuse to buy 98 billion dollars a week of Treasury bonds for the next ten or twenty years. So it is not our fault. You will be glad to know I have been conferring with other world leaders and we have agreed to take the following course of action. Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I want to talk…
Director:: Cut. Cut. Bob, run that technical difficulties blurb. Jerry, start teleprompter B. Ready? Mr President. Start reading from Teleprompter B on three. One. Two. Three.
Obama:: I am pleased to announce that we, the leaders of the world, have decided to reorganize our governments and credit markets. I have also decided to fight unemployment by calling up the National Guard and all Army and Marine Reserve units except for the states of California, Oregon, Washington, Alaska, Hawaii, Arizona, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas and Arizona, Those of you being called up will report to the nearest branch of the Federal Reserve bank. Your mission will be to protect the lives and property of our benefactors and campaign contributors in the banking industry,
The government of the United States is being reorganized by a consortium of Goldman Sachs, the Federal Reserve bank and overseas investors.
Ben Bernanke will be the CEO of our new government which is to be named United States Incorporated or USI. Mr Bernanke will retain his post as Chairman of the Federal Reserve bank. I will remain here in Washington and continue to offer Hope and Change to the people.
Goldman Sachs has partners in this consortium. China has been given California, Oregon, Washington and Hawaii. Alaska will revert to its original owner Russia. Our neighbor to the south Mexico has also been taken over by the same Goldman Sachs consortium as have most of our European partners.
We have decided to give the states of Colorado, New Mexico, Arizona and Texas to Mexico Incorporated which is, as I said, owned by a Goldman Sachs partnership, But it does also include the three major drug cartels. Those of you who love Mexico will be glad to learn that Goldman Sachs has negotiated a truce between the warring factions thus ending the current drug violence. The three cartels with their 200,000 employees in America will be joining the Mexican Army in the occupation of those four above mentioned states. Nevada and its casinos will be jointly occupied by China and Mexico Incorporated.
Many of you have expressed concerns about the rising costs of food and fuel and the continuing loss of value of your pensions, savings, IRAs, 401Ks and paychecks. You will be pleased to learn that Goldman Sachs and its partners will be issuing two new currencies one of which will have several names depending on your country of origin. We will call it a banco and convert all of your existing accounts into bancos at a generous rate of two dollars for one banco.
This will include your pensions. IRAs and 401Ks. They will be invested in the Treasury bonds of our new world government which will operate as a partnership of the consortium headed by Goldman Sachs. Robert Rubin, the former CEO of Goldman Sachs and Treasury Secretary under Bill Clinton, will be assuming the position of world leader, His headquarters will be in New York.
Those of you who will be employees of the new international government or of the Federal Reserve bank or Goldman Sachs will be paid in the other currency that as yet has not been named but will be convertible to gold and will be exempt from all taxes imposed by the United States Incorporated.
Over the next few weeks we will have town hall meetings in those 39 states still within the jurisdiction of the USI. Those of you living in the 11 states no longer part of the USI will be seeing the advance parties of the one million occupying troops arrive in the morning at dawn.
Janet Napolitano, Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, has decided to shut down the Internet until she can calm down those extremists who are motivated by anti-Semitism, racism and sexism. Talk radio will also be suspended until we feel that people have been persuaded of the wisdom of their new government.
All young people in the 39 states will become volunteers in a new organization I have decided to call the Legions of Hope. They will be doing two years of mandatory volunteer service performing many useful environmental, health, educational and other tasks. Their primary mission will be to educate their fellow Americans of the many benefits of the New World Order.
In conclusion I would like to say that to those of you who are still citizens of the USI that we have entered a new era of Hope and Change. To those of you who live in the 11 states no longer a part of the USI I would like to say farewell and also to say I hope the change works out for you.
Good night and God bless.
Announcer:: Presidential addresses are normally followed by an address from the opposing party. However, there will be no such address tonight because Goldman Sachs which owns the Republican and Democrat parties has decided to suspend both parties. The board of directors at Goldman Sachs has concluded that Democratic and Republican politicians have outlived their usefulness.
Director:: Mr Obama. You can relax now. We are off air. I should tell you that we played a little joke on you. We stopped teleprompter A and ran teleprompter B with a substitute speech written by those two writers we fired because they support Ron Paul. Mr President we did all vote for you but you destroyed America in less than 36 months. Tonight was payback, What do you have to say for yourself?
Obama:: All I have to say is this: I’m Tracy Morgan. And live from New York It’s Saturday Night.