Janet Napolitano: So Mr Obama what do you think of my idea to solve the problem of the national debt?
Obama: Do you think we can raise that much money? I need at least 140 billion dollars a month.
Napolitano: Gee. I didn’t realize we needed to raise that much. My plan only raises 14 billion dollars a month. If we tell the truth about the radiation from the body scanners, we can charge people not to be scanned.
Obama: That sounds like a good idea but we need to raise a lot more money.
Napolitano: Well. We did have a suggestion left over from Yevgeny Primakov that I found when I took office. We knew back during the Bush years that the TSA would be sent out to shopping malls and sporting events. He said we should raise money by not paying our employees. In fact we could auction off the right to become a TSA agent. This would give them the right to sexually molest women and men on the street. I did a quick survey at the Man Country Gentleman’s Club on North Clark St in Chicago. They were willing to pay us $200 a day to molest men and young boys though we have secret surveys that tell us we have to stop molesting children under age 12.
Obama: (Laughing) Those guys would pay through the nose to molest young boys.
Napolitano: We have a solution to the problem of religious prudes who don’t want perverts to put their hands on their vaginas. What I suggest is a Secure Traveler Program and charge people a thousand dollars a year not to be radiated or to be molested in public.
Obama: I can see one problem with Secure Traveler Program. I used to register voters in Chicago. I know lots of people who would pay us $200 a day just so they could touch everyone’s wallets and purses. They could pay us ten percent of whatever they collect. But if all the people with money opt out of being robbed on the street corners, at the malls and the airports. The boys would have slim pickings if all the rich couldn’t be robbed. Robbing poor people doesn’t pay.
Napolitano: I think there is a limit to what the people will tolerate so we can’t let men out of the jails to rob the voters. But you said we need to raise even more money?
Obama: Yes we would need at least a hundred and twenty billion dollars a month more than you can raise through the TSA Trusted Traveler Program.
Napolitano: Yevgeny Primakov did leave behind a few more advanced ideas. He once said “you can round up 30 million unemployed people and put them into FEMA concentration camps. But you can only throw cans of spam over the fence for so long. Eventually you will have to start shooting them.”
Obama: Yeah. I remember Bush saying they had to fire General Primakov because Americans don’t understand the humor of Russian Jews. What was Primakov’s advanced plan?
Napolitano: He looked at our Social Security and Medicare budgets. And he also examined medical care for the poor under Medicaid and the cost of their Food Stamps, welfare and unemployment. He was saying we needed to cull the herds. We had to get people who could pass themselves off as doctors and nurses to eliminate the elderly and the poor with expensive diseases. They could shoot them up with a magic elixir that combined a lot of happy juice with a quick acting poison. What we would do is make a list of people ranked by the cost to treat them. The we could kill off a couple of million or so and expect to see a marked improvement to our bottom line. And of course we need to dramatically increase inheritance taxes. That way we could get a lot money out of the elderly who still own a hone or have savings.
Obama: Tell me something new. I already have Death Panels under Obamacare. Besides this would still not raise enough money.
Napolitano: Well. In that case General Primakov also said we needed a Visiting Nurse Program. We would send nurses out to treat the poor. They would kill a few people and tell everyone in the neighborhood they were quarantined for the dreaded Booga Booga disease. Then we can take our time culling out the people on welfare, Food Stamps, unemployment and or Social Security. Our research says that a majority of the poor can’t afford Internet so they believe in Al Qaeda and other myths. All we have to do is tell them that the Visiting Nurse Program is free and is being paid for by all those rich white people in the suburbs.
Obama: That could balance the budget. But I would have to go to Chicago and ask Rahm Emanuel what he thinks. He has a direct line to the Israelis and we can’t do anything without their permission.
Napolitano: I understand. Could I get started on the Trusted Traveler Program?
Obama: Of course. We need the money. Even my daughters are making fun of Bernanke. They are making dollar bills with their crayons that will probably be worth more than Bernanke Bucks after I leave office.
Napolitano: Thank you Mr President. I’m sorry you didn’t get a multi-trillion dollar carbon tax passed. That would have solved our problems.
Obama: That was a shame. But even a carbon tax would not have solved our problems. This government’s budget has become like the Black Hole of Calcutta. Nut my friends at Goldman Sachs and JP Morgan will not give me permission to do anything about it. We have to continue doing what we are doing until they send the whole country into receivership. They want to buy everything in America for pennies on the dollar.