Jamie Dimon: Problems. I’ve got problems. That one idiot in London is costing us 9 billion dollars. That wipes out our dividends for the next three quarters. We have to start paying on that lawsuit we lost on 120 billion dollars in mortgage backed securities fraud put backs. And don’t talk about that damn judge up in Connecticut forcing the release of 36,000 pages of documents from the SEC in that UBS case. A 700 million dollar loss isn’t much but all those docs made public will make me look bad. And you think I can make enough money to pay this off by selling business cards?
Blythe Masters: Listen. There was a case in Secaucus New Jersey that never even went to trial. The lawyer was desperate. He sent his secretary into Manhattan to get a J P Morgan business card. He made up some fake cards in his clients name and handed them out all over town. The press had to do a 180 degree turn. They went from a headline denouncing ‘local man steals 7 million dollars from elderly clients’ to ‘7 million dollars vaporized.’ Apparently the press can’t attract writers with any originality and integrity so they just copied your MF Global defense that the 1.2 billion dollars just disappeared. But here comes the good part. The lawyer and the swindler had agreed to split the proceeds if they won the case. The Department of Justice just announced they had dropped all charges because they could find no evidence of wrongdoing and the judge issued an apology to the swindler.
Jamie Dimon: So I hope we made some money off that little shyster but how could it cover the losses we face. There is long line of lawsuits from those other mortgage backed securities fraud put backs yet to be filed. We might not pay a dividend for ten years. I could lose my bonuses. I could lose my job. I might have to stay home all day with my wife.
Blythe Masters: But I haven’t got to the good part. They put 5 million dollars into an account with us at our Cayman Islands branch. They tried to book a flight to visit their money this morning but their credit cards were declined. I had called a friend at our London office last night and told him to use that account to clear some of their London Whale trades. If we get enough recruits to buy into the J P Morgan get out of jail free card, we can make Bruno Iksil look like the greatest trader in the world. The London office is ecstatic. They had been worried they weren’t going to get their bonuses. Now they just told me they can wipe out all of our losses if we can just get them enough shady clients they can rob.
Jamie Dimon: What a woman. You just saved this bank. Of course we can recruit all sorts of petty criminals who just stole a few million dollars. I read about a guy in Florida who was arrested for selling the same land five times. If he had a J P Morgan business card, he could tell them that the banks routinely lease gold from Fort Knox and sell it five times to increase the liquidity of the gold market. He was just adding to the liquidity of the real estate market. I wonder if he has any of that 3 million he stole in an account with us.
Blythe Masters: I’ll check on him boss. It is already helping morale. We can get all of our departments working together to make sure we get our bonuses. I told our Heavy Lifting Department to give a call to those two guys in Secaucus. I gave them a sample script to use. Hi, I am from the J P Morgan Heavy Lifting Department. We are the guys who build muscles on our muscle by lifting over 3,000 tons of cash a year for the Morgan money laundering department. You don’t want to get us mad at you, do you? We need our bonuses. Thank your lucky stars you had a J P Morgan business card and an account with us. Remember worse things than prison can happen to people who cross Jamie Dimon. He is the boss off bosses. Jamie, I like the closing line. It teaches people to respect you. In England we have a saying that you must show proper respect to their betters. And who is better deserving of respect than you are? You stole more money than anyone else.
Jamie Dimon:Wow. What a mind you’ve got. First you invented Credit Default Swaps. Think how much money the banks made selling hundreds of trillions in CDS we will never have to pay off because we gave Obama and Romney a mere billion dollars each so the taxpayers will pick up our losses. Then you borrow hundreds of billion at 0% interest from Bernanke, drop it all into commodities and run up food and gasoline prices all over the world. And now this. Stealing money from our depositors. What will you think of next?
Blythe Masters: I am thinking about saying this: I am Tina Fey and Live from New York this is Saturday Night Live.
Notes: Anyone who wants to can make a video of this skit if they are willing to give this blog credit as the original source. This skit was inspired by Teri Buhl, a really good looking financial reporter who has done some real investigative work. http://www.teribuhl.com/
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You might want to look at my background research on the 2012 Bilderberg attending members list which includes Willard Milton Romney.
Annotated Bilderberg 2012 Member List