Blythe Masters: Mr President, I am the most qualified person to replace Federal Reserve Chairman Bernanke. All Janet Yellen and Larry Summers can do is Print more dollars to support the deficit. Whereas, I invented Credit Default Swaps so who is better qualified than I am to unwind hundreds of trillions of dollars in derivatives that would otherwise bring your presidency to a sudden halt?
Obama: Saving my presidency sounds good.
Valerie Jarrett: But you would continue printing dollars to support the deficit?
Blythe Masters: Of course. But I am more qualified than Larry Summers. When he was at Harvard, he was so stupid that he lost a billion dollars in Credit Default Swaps which is something I would never do. Besides, if you want a woman to run the FED, I look better than Yellen.
Dan Pfeiffer: Then there is the Jewish question.
Blythe Masters: The Federal Reserve has been run by Jews ever since I can remember. Yellen and Summers are both Jewish. I think the Jewish Lobby will love me at the FED because I’ll never say whether or not I am Jewish. And, if it all goes to hell, I can always go into a really strong British accent and the food rioters will blame England. The Jews will love that.
Dan Pfeiffer: You are so brilliant you must be Jewish.
Blythe Masters: As I said before, I’ll never say. Besides, the media will never ask.
Dan Pfeiffer: I think we are all agreed. We need someone to get a handle on those derivatives and Credit Default Swaps. You are our leading candidate but we have to run this by a focus group of our Wall Street donors including Goldman Sachs before we can make an announcement. They insist that they have veto power over all our appointments.
Blythe Masters: I can work with Goldman to divide up the loot. In fact please tell your focus group that I will move the Chairman’s office from Washington to New York so we can better coordinate our new policies with Wall Street. Washington does not matter anymore so there is no reason for the Chairman to live there. And I already have homes in New York and London.
Valerie Jarrett: I can say this. We must have a woman at the FED.
Dan Pfeiffer: I will run this by the Jewish Lobby.
Obama: I think we will make an announcement about Bernanke’s replacement earlier than we had planned. My poll numbers are dropping like a rock. We need someone with your knowledge to turn the economy around overnight.
Blythe Masters: Thank you, Mr President and Ms Jarret and Mr Pfeiffer. I will do amazing things as soon as I get control of the Federal Reserve.
27 days later Blythe Masters holds a closed circuit video meeting with the principals at J P Morgan, Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley, Citibank and several key players from other New York and London banks.
Blythe Masters: Gentlemen. The President will announce my appointment to replace Ben Bernanke in the morning. I have prepared a Golden Parachute for Ben’s early retirement. Several firms have kicked in $100,000 each into a fund for Ben that I personally guarantee will be worth $20,000,000 by New Years Eve. In fact I have taken that model to heart. I have decided that all of us who matter should put $100,000,000 each into a fund to benefit from the coming collapse.
That mere 100 million investment will be worth 20 billion dollars by the end of 2013. I don’t have to tell you that will be tax free as taxes are for peasants. I want everyone to either put their own money into this fund or quit this video conference right now. We all need to be united at this time of crisis. Let me proceed with a brief outline of my plan of action which has already been approved by the CEOs at both Goldman and JP Morgan.
1) The plan will end on New Years Eve 2013 with all bank stock having zero value. At that time there will be a Bank Holiday due to a series of of nasty computer viruses written in Arabic. We will have a Bail-in and seize 50% of all US bank deposits. This means those of us who own bank stock will have to sell all of our stock options, empty out our 401Ks and liquidate our personal holdings long before then. As you know, selling that many shares at one time would reduce the value of our assets. I have decided to use the Federal Reserve’s Discount Window which is normally used to buy our bad investments to purchase all of our shares at cost plus 10% so we can make money while driving stock prices higher. We will notify you of our purchase times in advance so you can make additional money in the calls market because we will be forcing stock prices up. And then we will notify you when the program is finished so you can make another fortune shorting the same stocks on the way down.
2) To siphon money from the banks which will collapse before the year is out, all bank fees will henceforth be charged to the depositor by the Federal Reserve but credited to the bank’s chosen subsidiary account in the Cayman Islands. For example, Chase can give us a selected list of their customers who will receive $14.95 charges to their checking accounts for no apparent reason. The FED will make that charge and credit it to a chosen Chase subsidiary in the Caymans.
3) We will continue the current program which allows us to take 4 billion dollars a week from government spending that the peasants are not allowed to audit. Henceforth, all of this money will go into a Super Fund so we can buy all assets when the dollar collapses. The people will have no money left in their bank accounts to buy food and pay their bills. We will fleece the suckers of the remaining 50% of their assets after the Bail in-Bank Holiday has already taken half of the money in their accounts.
4) We will also continue the practice of selling US Treasury bonds and pocketing the proceeds. That money will also go into the Super Fund to buy real assets for pennies on the dollar after the dollar crashes. I must emphasize that the Bail in-Bank Holiday will force everyone in the US to sell real assets and that we will be the only buyers.
5) Ben Bernanke loaned out 7 trillion dollars at 0.01% interest so the banks could buy Treasury bonds and collect interest from the government. I will double down and expand the program. I will loan the banks 14 trillion dollars at 0% and allow the banks to participate in the Greatest Pump and Dump ever. These loans will be due on 12-31-2013. The bond market has shown signs of weakness. We will be lowering interest rates to reverse that and send bond prices up again. We will also be running the Dow Jones stock index to 20,000 and doubling commodity prices before we collapse all of the markets. In the last week of December our friends at the exchanges will cancel all orders to sell from anyone not in this room so we can unwind our 14 trillion dollars in stocks and commodities. At that point we will short the stocks to maximize our profits.
Voice 1: This is a brilliant plan. But I would like to raise the minimum investment from 100 million to 500 million dollars each for everyone in this video conference. We could easily all have 100 billion dollars a piece by New Years Day. I am somewhat concerned about inflation devaluing what I have taken from the common people.
Blythe Masters: We can take a vote on a 500 million dollar minimum buy in at the close of the meeting. I’m all in. I’d like to be the first woman in history to make 100 billion dollars in less than 120 days. That Bank Holiday Bail in is designed to take so many dollars out of circulation that prices will not go up until we have bought all of their assets. We will be immune to inflation because we will be the first ones out of dollars. Everyone else will be screwed.
Voice 2: Blythe Masters you have out done yourself. This is the most vile and reprehensible thing you have ever done. This is far worse than the sum total of all the evil things all of the FED Chairmen have done since 1913. What do you say for yourself?
Blythe Masters: I’ll say this. I ‘m Tina Fey. And live from New York it’s Saturday night.
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