CNN Producer Steals Zelensky’s Gold (A Satire)

Friedman: Hello, I think the interview is just a formality, Miss Stevens. Welcome aboard the CNN team.

Stevens:    Well, in that case you can call me Amanda. You said I could get a byline with Amanda Stevens Investigative Journalist Reports from Kiev as the series title?

Friedman: Yes. You are probably wondering how someone who just graduated from Columbia School of Journalism and speaks neither Ukrainian nor Russian can get a job as an investigative journalist in Kiev. Frankly, we hired you for your looks and for the fact that you owe more student debt than anyone else.

Stevens:    My good looks?

Friedman: Yes. You look like you could be President Zelensky’s girl friend. You look like your mother who is Swedish. You are half his age. And all of his girl friends are natural blondes with size D bras. Though you are dressing down for this interview I can tell that you are well endowed. Relax, you don’t have to date Zelensky. In fact it would be a disaster if he ever did see you. As for your student loan debt in excess of $197,000 and $3,000 on your credit cards, those debts will be cancelled next year.

Stevens:   Will Biden be cancelling our student debts? None of my young college grad friends can afford to get on with their lives due to their debts.

Friedman: Biden, not hardly. He represents the New York banks. Putin and Xi Jinping through BRICS (Brazil, Russia, China, India, South Africa) will cancel all debts denominated in dollars, pounds, euros and yen in 2023 by inviting the Global South to join. Your debts are in dollars so I would advise you to stop making payments. Nobody has to repay their loans though I recommend that you do not live in the US next year when the banks collapse because some bill collectors will try t get hold of you.

Stevens:     But my credit cards will be cut off if I stop paying.

Friedman: They will be stopped but you can get new ones when you get to Rio or wherever you want to go when this op is over. I will get the accounting department to give you an emergency pay check for $2,000 with no withholding on Friday. That way you will have cash to spend until the op is over. We leave Saturday morning for Kiev.

Stevens:     I am leaving America but for how long?

Friedman: When all loans payable in dollars, pounds, euros and yen are cancelled, America will have Nationwide Food Riots and the cities will get burned to the ground. Deposits in dollars, pounds, euros and yen will disappear so your mother’s savings will be taken from her.

Brazil will cancel its debts so Brazilians will feel good. It should be a safe place to be at least in good neighborhoods. You can bring your mom and your sister with you. Your $100,000 a year CNN salary will be gone when we all quit next week and flee the scene but the dollar will be so worthless in a year that you couldn’t buy dinner and drinks in a decent Rio nightclub with only $2,000 US.

Stevens:    We quit CNN after a week?

Friedman:  Yes. CNN pays people in dollars so our salaries will be worthless in a year anyway besides our ratings suck because of all the lies we are forced to tell. We really are Fake News. I will get the axe later this year for low ratings and any pension they promise to pay in dollars will have zero value in a year.  So we are going to steal Zelensky’s money.

Stevens:     Steal his money?

Friedman: Yes. You read the CBS story that said 70% of the aid we sent the Ukraine was stolen. Anyway, plane loads of Ukrainian or really NATO weapons have crashed. It should be safe from now on because they decided to stop overloading their planes with American loot.

You, me and my newest best friend Lyaksandra will be on a plane on Monday or Tuesday. His name is Ukrainian for Alexander. His dad admired Alexander, the Great. But he has been in America since 1992 and prefers to be called Sandy. He presses a button on his intercom and says, “You can come in now Sandy.”

Sandy:      Shaking hands with Amanda be says, “Pleased to meet you. You are pretty enough to be Zelensky’s girl friend. But you need to dress the part.”

Friedman:  I was going to send her to an upscale dress shop here in Atlanta and have her charge 3 outfits to CNN. An angry CNN accountant will call me in Kiev on Monday when he gets the bill. I’ll tell him to deduct it from your next paycheck. Who cares? None of us will be working for CNN next week.

Sandy:     I don’t actually work for CNN. I will be getting CNN press credentials as a cameraman. I will handle intelligence and be your translator. I left Kiev 30 years ago so none of the cops who chased me back in the day will still be working or if they are, they have desk jobs.

Friedman: Sandy and his gang still speak Ukrainian. In fact they have avoided arrest because they might have Russian speakers at the FBI and Polish speakers on the Chicago police force but none of his people do business with non-Ukrainians.

We do have a silent partner at the CIA. He will be running electronic surveillance and funds transfers from Zelensky’s bank accounts and arranging contacts through NATO with the Ukrainian army. We will get a share of what is in the bank account he uses to deposit the sales from this plane load of NATO weapons.

The CIA and Sandy will both be sending women to warn Zelensky’s wife about him hiding money from her. That is critical. We have to get Zelensky’s wife Olena to be in the room when we call for the money transfer. He knows you aren’t his girl friend so we have to get Olena to put his call on speaker. With his wife listening he won’t dare talk to you.

We are almost certain that the CIA will assassinate Zelensky when they’ve finished laundering money through the Ukraine back to Raytheon, the other defense contractors and the big players in DC politics. He can better serve the cause as a martyr. Olena is not Jewish and will not want to go to live in his home in Israel. She might do a quick sale of that $32 million Florida mansion before the dollar dies. She will have to help the CIA seize upwards of a billion dollars of Zelensky’s offshore slush fund if she knows what’s good for her.

I have heard of operations in the past that went south when people partnered with intelligence services. Before your time in the Reagan admin an Israeli met a Jewish guy in a Berlin bar who had set up advanced radar services for Libya. So he had the bright idea of selling the intel from the Jewish engineer to the Mossad who acted as brokers and passed it on to the Americans. The final price tag to the US was $50 million but there were so many hands in the till that there was nothing left over for the Israeli. So they took his promised $5 million share and sentenced him to a few years in prison. America has the finest justice system money can buy.

Sandy:    We can avoid all that by giving the lion’s share to the CIA. I have a gang to protect me plus I know the name of Mr Friedman’s silent partner at the CIA. And I took the liberty of posting pin ups of you and your little sister in bikinis at our bars and pool halls in Chicago. The CIA will stay away from you. And besides your share is only $2 million. Mr Friedman and I will get $4 million each, a total of $10 million.  That is only 1% of a billion dollars. The other $990 million goes to the CIA and the politicians in DC.

Friedman: Your share is only $2 million today but in 2023 or 2024 at the latest that will be $10 million if you do what Sandy and I are doing. We are converting everything into gold. I recommend that you  buy a house with a fixed rate mortgage from an American bank so the house will be free except for the down payment. Sandy will be going to the airport to grab a flight to Kiev. He has a lot of ground intelligence to do. There are limits to what the Ukrainian military will tell a CIA officer.

I have to call that dress shop. To be safe you will need 3 new outfits. I’ll tell them to make you look sexy but not to reveal too much. And I will call the Hyatt Regency to book you a room charged to CNN. You need to look and feel wealthy if we are to pull this off.

Sandy:    Goodbye, Mr Friedman, Miss Stevens. I’ll be seeing you at the Kiev airport Saturday night.

Friedman: I’ll call the dress shop. You can call back here afterwards and ask my secretary for the details on your reservation at the Hyatt. I will have my secretary arrange for your press credentials. You will need them to pick up your paycheck on Friday.

Stevens:    I’m going to be rich. And this morning I couldn’t afford to charge a hotel room using my credit cards. On top of that I can always tell people I used to work at CNN. I’ll want to keep my press pass as a memento of Kiev.

On Saturday night Friedman and Stevens met Sandy at the airport. He had a driver who appeared to be armed take their suitcases to the hotel. All charged to CNN. Who cares? CNN will be bankrupt in a year.

Stevens:    Sandy, shouldn’t I learn at least a few Ukrainian words if I am to meet real Ukrainian soldiers?

Sandy:     Absolutely not. A girl friend does not have to speak the same language as her boy friend. And besides you don’t want to understand what the soldiers are saying about you. We have an important meeting at the hotel pool tomorrow at 11 AM Kiev time. Your part will be to wear wear a bikini and lounge on the bar side where Friedman, myself, a Ukrainian officer and an American Army captain  who  was assigned to us by our friend at the CIA, will be finalizing everything. The American captain works with the Ukrainians so they won’t suspect anything. Besides, we aren’t there to steal the weapons. A fellow could get killed stealing from terrorists and drug cartels who will be receiving everything at the Greek airport.  We are just there to steal Zelensky’s bank account details. Normally, these planes never take a woman but all you have to do is sit there in a bikini and look pretty on Saturday. We will tell them that the President wants to send you out of the country to prepare a place in case he has to leave suddenly.

On Monday night just before sunset, Sandy, the Ukrainian officer, the US Army captain, Friedman and Stevens met at a restricted zone at the airport. Amanda was given the Ukrainian military uniform of a nurse to wear. Nobody would believe she was a combat soldier. She went to change. She packed her dress in her suitcase and one of Sandy’s men took it and paid cash to send the luggage to the Athens airport. She boarded the cargo plane with Sandy and Friedman. The US Army captain explained that everything with an orange tag belonged to American military contractors and would be sent back to the US to be sold again to the US government. The American taxpayers did not have to pay for it because all the weapons were purchased with borrowed money. And the US government debt would be cancelled next year.

Friedman: This orange tag business is a hell of a story. Even I didn’t think things that were so corrupt in Washington. I guess everyone knows that the US Empire is dying and they need to squeeze that last billion dollars out of the system before it goes belly up. I could get this story out online. Maybe to Gonzalo Lira. He lives in Zharkov Ukraine. But he can’t post the story until after Zelensky is gone gone and the Russians have taken Zharkov.

What about you Amanda?

Stevens:  I have been researching Rio. I decided to go to Sao Paolo instead. I already had my clothes and things shipped to Rio. I will pick them up there after we arrive from Athens. I found an island off the coast of Brazil, Cat Island. There are a few homes there I could pick up one for a mere $900,000. I will borrow a million dollars cash against my gold deposit, buy a house and have $100,000 spending money for the year. My $2 million in gold will be worth $10 million next year. And I won’t have to repay any dollar denominated loan to an American bank when the BRICS nations cancel debts for everyone in the Global South.

My sister just turned 18. She won’t need to go to school in September. Maybe in a few years.

Sao Paolo only has a third the crime of Rio. And Brazilians will cancel all of their foreign debts. We can go around Cat Island in bikinis. After we meet our wealthy neighbors we can challenge them to a rifle marksmanship contest. We’re from western Pennsylvania so my sister and I can take out targets at 300 meters. We are women. We don’t have to beat the men. All we have to do is to show off our shooting skills, stay away from married men, teach the women how to shoot guns and impress the men in our bikinis. We will need night vision goggles. And a garden to grow food. My sister, my mom and I will be safe. If things get better in America in a few years, we can go back and buy some property in a rural area to spend part of the year in the US and the rest on our island. Life is good for the wise and the prepared.

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About horse237

I have decided to share two of the visions I had as a child. When I was eight, I had a vision of a future war that killed 99.5% of the world's population. When I was 16 and living in the projects, I had a vision of my future. I was to live in complete obscurity until it came time to stop WW III. When I was about ten, I had read a bio of Nikita Khrushchev which said he survived Stalin by playing the bumbling fool an old Russian peasant trick. I decided to do the same as I had already learned that we did not live in a democracy. The other vision I had when I was in third grade was of the Mind of God and how it interacted in the creation of the world we see. I believe you and I were born at this time precisely so we would have an opportunity to stop this war. As for my personal info, I grew up on military bases and in housing projects. My legs atrophied from starvation as a child. My second step-father died in prison. I used to have to rub my skin to simulate human contact. They did not feed me when I was a child. I do not fight in their wars as an adult.
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