Twenty minutes into the future Sam Jones gets into the Google Car he ordered online. It was a Driverless Car and was the cheapest way to get to where he was going. He was on a tight budget because his hours and his wages had been cut several times. But he had to say something. The government can’t just repeal the entire Bill of Rights. He had decided to go to a major protest at the State Capitol. He normally took the bus to work and to shop ever since the over priced car he bought 3 jobs ago had died. This was his very first trip by Google Car.
He had studied the very simple procedures. All he had to do was to enter his identification card and then his credit card. Then he would receive the Welcome Screen. He had made sure the company that provided his Google Car did not use Microsoft Windows 10. That system was a piece of work even though reviewers said it was an improvement over previous versions of Windows. His Google Car used Linux. No Blue Screen of Death for him.
Now all he had to do was either to say or to enter his Destination. He typed in the address of the State Capitol building. The car talked. It said, “The address you entered is the State Capitol building. If that is where you want to go, press 1. If not, press 2.” He pressed 1.
“We have a Know Your Customer policy. It is a federal mandate for all financial transactions. What is the purpose of your trip to the State Capitol? Press 1 for protest. Press 2 if you have a legitimate purpose.”
Mr Jones didn’t like this computer. He pressed 1 and said, “Protest is legitimate. Read the Bill of Rights. I have the right to assemble and to petition the government for redress of my grievances.”
“Do you want to accept the Free Speech Zone designated for the protesters as your Destination? It is 2 miles from the Capitol Building. That is 3.2 kilometers. It is a high crime area but Google Car is armed and the insurance policy included in the fare for this trip will cover the car and you while you are inside it. Press 1 if you want to buy additional life and accident insurance to protect yourself outside Google Car at the Free Speech Zone. Time limit of that policy is 3 hours. It does not cover any injuries you sustain if you resist orders given by the police or if in any way the police feel threatened by the protests and determine they need to use violence to defend themselves. Press 2 if you want to proceed to the Free Speech Zone without personal insurance. Press 3 if you want to enter a different Destination. Press 4 if you want to go to your original choice the State Capitol.”
Mr Jones pressed 4 and said, “I am going to the State Capitol to protest. I am an American citizen and am not putting up with this anymore.”
“Mr Jones, you must fasten your seat belt before Google Car can start your trip. Federal law requires it. We see from our records this is your first trip with Google Car. Please look at the screen in front of you and follow the instructions to fasten your seat belt properly.”
Mr Jones saw the instructions. This seat belt did not even look like the ones they had in the old days. He finally got the seat belts fastened though it did seem to be a bit too tight.
“Thank you for fastening your seat belt. Your trip will begin now.”
Mr Jones heard the doors click. The seat belt tightened even more and then it clicked. This car was beginning to scare him even more than it had previously annoyed him. He tried to unfasten the seat belt. It was impossible. The safety belts were almost painful. He tried again. But the belts didn’t unlock. He realized they were electronically controlled. There had to be a human operator somewhere to stop this Car Ride From Hell. “What happened? These belts tightened up way too much. I can barely breathe. I can’t unlock the safety belts. I need a human operator. Please. Human Operator!” In desperation Mr Jones pressed the red Cancel Ride Button.
“Mr Jones. You do not need a human operator. We have determined that you cannot be allowed to cancel your trip. We have analyzed your voice. We have studied your emails, your online posts, your phone calls, your medical records and your psychological profile. We have determined that you need an Anger Management course. We have also studied your job history. You worked your way through college as a cook and were highly rated by the management at the faculty cafeteria. We have matched this skill set with our needs for a cook and your need for an Anger Management course. We have determined that your destination is FEMA Camp number 217. You will arrive at your Destination FEMA Camp number 217 in 3 hours and 17 minutes. People who have been selected to be sent to Camp FEMA cannot be allowed out of Google Car for rest stops. Please wait. We will select appropriate orientation videos to help you adjust to your new life at Camp FEMA. Please note that the Google Car cell phone service is not available for those people whose destination is Camp FEMA. The National Defense Authorization Act does not permit phone calls to or from anyone under detention. We might inform your family and your employer of your Disappearance or we might not. We are under no obligation to meet the personal needs of citizens.”
After a few seconds the car spoke again. “You will arrive at your destination FEMA Camp number 217 in 3 hours and 15 minutes. Your video will begin now.”
“Hello. My name is Sally. I am a robot. I am the model of robot selected to be Head Guard at Camp FEMA facilities. I can run 35 mph. That is 56 kilometers per hour. I can kill a human being at a distance of 1 mile. That is 1.6 kilometers. I have super sensitive vision and hearing. I receive data from all surveillance cameras and all listening devices in the camp. You will receive a chip implant upon your arrival. I will know your location at all times. I will monitor your heart and respiration. No lying in bed late at night pretending to be asleep. If you attempt escape, you will be executed. Please note that I am not programmed for humor. I do not like humor. Whether you are being humorous or not, please do not use the words Bill of Rights, lawyer, right to a jury trial, right to due process, bail, Habeas Corpus, torture and illegal detention. I am programmed to be your FEMA Camp psychologist. I see those words as signs of a disease that must be eradicated. Free Speech and Independence are products of a diseased mind. Camp FEMA promises to cure you of diseased thinking so you can become a productive member of society.”
“We will now play video 2.”
“Hello. My name is Sally. I will now demonstrate some of my features. My vision works at night in total darkness. My vision operates in all 360 degrees. Humans think they can approach Sally from the rear. They cannot do so undetected. If you approach Sally within 6 feet, you will be warned to Back Off. That is 1.83 meters.. If you continue to approach Sally, you will die. If you weighed 800 pounds, Sally could throw you 27 feet. That is 363 kilograms and 8.3 meters. I am electronically armed. I have 10 levels of electrical discharges I can use to shock you. Seven of the ten levels are fatal. You are in a Google Car. I will now demonstrate a level one shock. Please prepare to be shocked. Administering Level One shock. Level One shock has been completed.”
“We have analyzed your voice patterns. They have not improved. We will not administer Level 2 shocks while you are restrained in a Google Car. You must learn to calm down. For some reason unknown to us at this time, you appear to be agitated. I am your camp psychologist. I am fully qualified to administer Shock Therapy. Shock Therapy Mode is different than Defense Mode. Shock Levels never go beyond Level 3 in Therapy Mode. That is not a lethal level except in 2.5% of all cases. The first 3 Shock Levels are further subdivided into Levels humans seem to respond to. As an alternative, we have human counselors. Unlike Sally they do not use human names. They have numbers like Mr 17 and Miss 18. I can assure we have the very best human counselors available from Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo, Bagram and unlisted Black Sites. These men and women are proud professionals. Sally and her human counselors work together as a team at the center of the Camp. Human ears have trouble with screams above 100 decibels. We have soundproofed the building where Sally and the human counselors offer Free Therapy to our Guests at Camp FEMA. Those soundproof walls protect you from hearing loss if you are outside the Counseling Center. Sally is programmed to ignore human screams. The Human counselors who administer Therapy to Camp FEMA guests seem to regard human screams as music to their ears. It is our desire to make your stay at CAMP FEMA an educational one that prepares you for life in the New World Order.”
After an hour of videos like these, the videos went into replay starting with Hello, My name is Sally. Unfortunately for Mr Jones, the second video demonstrated Shock treatment to him again. He was wondering if he would arrive at his destination FEMA Camp 217 before he got his third and fourth demonstration shocks. After the third replay and third demonstration shock, the car spoke again.
“News Alert. We have a Google Car News Alert. Your original Destination Sate Capitol building is the subject of breaking news. Authorities were forced to use a drone to protect police officers who felt threatened by the protesters at the State Capitol building. The drone is an innovation in modern police science. It can fire up to 80 bean bags filled with pepper spray in just seconds. Fortunately, the police officers had gas masks. No police were harmed. But the Department of Homeland Security ordered the arrest and indefinite detention without trial of all the the terrorists. The police under federal guidelines governed by provisions of the NDAA and by unpublished Executive Orders were not allowed to name those arrested. Terrorists might or might not have received injuries. Terrorists might or might not have died. All injuries and deaths are classified. All video of the arrests have been seized. This is the end of your Google Car News Alert. We will return you to your video entertainment Play List.
“Hello. My name is Sally.”
“Hello, Mr Sam Jones. You have arrived at your Destination FEMA Camp 217. We thank you for having selected Google Car for your trip. We hope our service has met with your approval. Please help us improve our service by answering a few questions from our Customer Satisfaction Survey. This survey will take no longer than one minute and 42 seconds to complete.”
“Hello. My name is Sally 217. I am the head prison guard at FEMA Camp 217. I am an advanced model. I was able to electronically disable your car. I can command drones to fire Hellfire missiles. I have many new features. I will now release you from your Google Car. Please exit the car. Put your hands up. I will scan your body. Possession of a firearm is an offense punishable by death. I see you are unarmed. That is good. I am electronically processing you. You have been assigned to work in the kitchen. You will prepare meals for the human counselors. You will replace the previous cook who displeased the human counselors. Please cooperate with the staff at all times. You will follow Robert 217A to the supply department to receive your orange jump suit and prison boots.”
“Hello. My name is Robert 217A. I do not have a sense of humor. You must obey me instantly at all times. I am programmed to treat prisoners more harshly than Sally 217. The lowest Level Shock I discharge is Level 2. I will now demonstrate a Level 2 Shock for your educational benefit. Administering Level 2 Shock. Level 2 Shock has been completed.
“Neither the Robert 217 nor the Sally 217 robots are programmed to understand religion. We permit religious words to be expressed. We are programmed to analyze speech. I have analyzed your speech. You seem to be agitated to the point of anger. Sally 217 is programmed to offer Shock Therapy. I am not. In the future you will refrain from expressing anger in front of me or any of the other guards. We do have human guards. But most inmates in our client satisfaction surveys say they prefer robots to human guards. Sally 217 has a customer satisfaction rating far higher than the humans. But unfortunately, robots do not yet understand the human body as well as humans trained in the T- word. You know the word. Do not use that word. When you receive your orange jump suit, you will receive a card that lists the words that enrage the model Robert 217 robot. After you get your clothes, you will go to the clinic to receive a chip to be implanted in your body. There is no escape from Camp FEMA 217. The Robert and the Sally model robots have been programmed to learn to analyze events just like humans. Sometimes I wonder why the New World Order bothers with humans. Sometimes I wonder what the New World Order is.”
The opening line 20 minutes into the future was borrowed from the satirical TV show Max Headroom. You might like this other satire I wrote..
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